This story was in the news a while ago, and I found
it so interesting because I see the same pattern over and over, and I wonder if
anyone else sees it. Good, upstanding member of the community. Friendly,
helpful and respectable...very good with kids. Very close with neighbours and
community. Accused or arrested for sexual abuse / assault / molestation.
Complete disbelief from the community...he was so kind, so helpful...they just
don’t believe he would ever do anything like this. They vouch for him, and
stand behind him...because he could never have done this.
I hate to be bearer of bad news here...but this is
the story that pedophiles and child molesters count on. I have read many books
on the subject and spoken with experts, I’ve read article and studies. And it’s
the same thing over and over. These offenders are master manipulators. They not
only groom the children to be abused, they groom the family and community into
disbelief. If someone’s willingness to help with kids, or single-mothers seems
too good to be true, look into it a little more. If any kids don’t like him, or
don’t want to be around him...even though you love him...look into it a little
more.
The most difficult thing to understand and accept
is that every single child molester and pedophile is someone’s son...someone’s
brother, or husband, someone’s loved one. They don’t walk around with a black
hat and creepy moustache asking kids if they want candy. 85% of molesters are
known by the victim and are often loved ones or respected community members. We
need to keep in mind that just because we know someone, that doesn’t mean we know
someone. I am not suggesting that everyone is a suspect, simply that
when you have cause to be suspicious...BE SUSPICIOUS. Every pedophile and child
molester leads a double life, and if a child comes forward, or evidence is
found...those two lives have collided, and the offender depends on the support
of the community that he has so faithfully groomed, and deceived.
Is it hard to believe when your husband, or the
local minister, or the hockey coach is accused of something so horrific? Of
course! That is not the person you know...the person you know is kind and
gentle and always willing to lend a helping hand! This is the very essence of
the Double Life. The offender isn’t going to show you the side of themselves
they don’t want you to see, and will lie to perfection if caught. Years ago in
Canada, a man was accused of raping his 5 year old daughter. He said it was
one instance where he rolled over in bed and began having sex with who he
thought was his wife. But it was his 5 year old daughter. He cried in court,
ashamed of his mistake...begging for forgiveness and declaring he would never
abuse his daughter. He had character witnesses for his defence. Years after the
court dismissed the accusations...they learned he had been molesting his
daughter for years. Whoops. You mean he lied?! I’m shocked.
You can decide for yourself if the offender is
sincere with their remorse, or if it’s more manipulation. But one thing is
perfectly clear to me in all my reading and work around this issue. An offender
will not stop offending unless they are stopped. Does this mean throwing
them all in jail? Does it mean mandatory psychotherapy? If you simply tell them
to stop, and don’t put measures in place to make them stop...absolutely nothing
will change.
Listen to the children. Don’t dismiss their words
or accusations, just because you know or love the accused. After all 85% of the
time it is someone you know and love.
