The Rise of Sadism

TRIGGER WARNING

In the United States, there is a pornography production company called Kink. This company "specializes" is the sexual degradation and torture of women. They attempt to pass it off as 'sexually liberating', and a 'transformative experience'...but the truth is that they sadistically beat, rape and torture women in their dungeons. Yes, their dungeons.

Kink films their brutal assaults on the women, and the company makes millions on the sadistic behaviour of the men (and sometimes women). Kink offers tours to the public, so anyone can watch the rape and torture of these women.

The majority of women in pornography use drugs, so they are able to endure the vicious acts that are done to them. At Kink, women are tied to walls, impaled on dildos and shocked with cattle prods. They are tied down, while a jack-hammer with a dildo is pounding their vagina or anus. These women are strung up by ropes, whipped with belts and leather straps, while a vibrator forces orgasms from them.

At Kink, their goal is to cause pain to the women. Kink is nothing but sexual sadism for the masses. The men at Kink tell the girls that it's a liberating experience; that being pushed to the sexual limits is to transcend to another level of consciousness. These women scream in pain during filming, they cry, they lose consciousness.

Just because your body responds with an orgasm, doesn't mean you are enjoying it, or that it feels good. For these women, forced orgasms are painful...as noted by their screams and tears. If a man was tied up to a wall, and a cattle prod violently inserted into his anus...shocking his prostrate would cause him to have orgasms. And those orgasms would become painful and exhausting.

Kink, and other pornography like it, has NOTHING to do with a greater level of sexual pleasure. It has EVERYTHING to do with sadistic people teaching women how to associate pain and pleasure. These men get off on the torture of women...plain and simple. These men like to see the women in pain, they like to make them cry, make them scream in pain.

 These men talk in interviews about forced orgasms being such a 'transformative' experience...yet it's only the women who have had to endure this. The men at Kink, just sit back and do the torturing...they aren't expected to be pushed to their limits. Why not? Because it's all about the torture, and sexual degradation of women. It's about normalizing sexual violence against women.

It's Always Unbelievable!

http://www.thestar.com/news/crime/article/1040602--toronto-religious-leader-charged-in-sex-assaults

This story was in the news a while ago, and I found it so interesting because I see the same pattern over and over, and I wonder if anyone else sees it. Good, upstanding member of the community. Friendly, helpful and respectable...very good with kids. Very close with neighbours and community. Accused or arrested for sexual abuse / assault / molestation. Complete disbelief from the community...he was so kind, so helpful...they just don’t believe he would ever do anything like this. They vouch for him, and stand behind him...because he could never have done this.

I hate to be bearer of bad news here...but this is the story that pedophiles and child molesters count on. I have read many books on the subject and spoken with experts, I’ve read article and studies. And it’s the same thing over and over. These offenders are master manipulators. They not only groom the children to be abused, they groom the family and community into disbelief. If someone’s willingness to help with kids, or single-mothers seems too good to be true, look into it a little more. If any kids don’t like him, or don’t want to be around him...even though you love him...look into it a little more.

The most difficult thing to understand and accept is that every single child molester and pedophile is someone’s son...someone’s brother, or husband, someone’s loved one. They don’t walk around with a black hat and creepy moustache asking kids if they want candy. 85% of molesters are known by the victim and are often loved ones or respected community members. We need to keep in mind that just because we know someone, that doesn’t mean we know someone. I am not suggesting that everyone is a suspect, simply that when you have cause to be suspicious...BE SUSPICIOUS. Every pedophile and child molester leads a double life, and if a child comes forward, or evidence is found...those two lives have collided, and the offender depends on the support of the community that he has so faithfully groomed, and deceived.

Is it hard to believe when your husband, or the local minister, or the hockey coach is accused of something so horrific? Of course! That is not the person you know...the person you know is kind and gentle and always willing to lend a helping hand! This is the very essence of the Double Life. The offender isn’t going to show you the side of themselves they don’t want you to see, and will lie to perfection if caught. Years ago in Canada, a man was accused of raping his 5 year old daughter. He said it was one instance where he rolled over in bed and began having sex with who he thought was his wife. But it was his 5 year old daughter. He cried in court, ashamed of his mistake...begging for forgiveness and declaring he would never abuse his daughter. He had character witnesses for his defence. Years after the court dismissed the accusations...they learned he had been molesting his daughter for years. Whoops. You mean he lied?! I’m shocked. 

You can decide for yourself if the offender is sincere with their remorse, or if it’s more manipulation. But one thing is perfectly clear to me in all my reading and work around this issue. An offender will not stop offending unless they are stopped. Does this mean throwing them all in jail? Does it mean mandatory psychotherapy? If you simply tell them to stop, and don’t put measures in place to make them stop...absolutely nothing will change.

Listen to the children. Don’t dismiss their words or accusations, just because you know or love the accused. After all 85% of the time it is someone you know and love.

The Unthinkable

I am writing this blog entry in response to a horrible situation a young 14 year old girl found herself in.  This young girl was as a party where she was intoxicated.  She was raped at this party, and turned to a social website called Reddit, for support or advice.

This young girl reached out for support, and instead she was attacked by groups of men telling her that it was not rape and that she was a horrible person for saying it was rape.  They banded together to verbally assault this child who had just been the victim of rape.

Now, I would hope most adults knows by now that rape doesn’t have to be at gun point to be “real rape”.  It doesn’t have to involved threats of murder, or violence.  It doesn’t have to involve a brute physical beating.  Not all rape victims have bruises or broken bones to show you the “proof” of their assault.

This girl was intoxicated, and brought into a bedroom.  When the guy wanted to do more than make out, the girl spoke up and said she wasn’t sure about it.  She made her uncertainty clear.  The guy told her it was ok, it was fine...but he kept going...and going, until he had sex with her.  When he was finished he passed out, and she left in tears.

For anyone who thinks this isn’t rape, do your research into the concept of consent.  For anyone who thinks it’s her fault because she didn’t repeat herself, or scream or fight...listen up.

Are you aware that police officers are trained to step to the side and shoot when faced with a gunman?  You know why they are told to step to the side?  Because many people in panic or trauma situations get tunnel vision.  Literally.  Their eyes narrow their field of vision for what is directly in front of them...their peripheral vision just disappears.  I’m sure if the gunman could control it he would, but he has no control over how his body responds to trauma.  It’s instinct.

A few decades ago there was a hostage situation in Columbia, of some high profile people.  Half a dozen gun men charged into this house...those that jumped for cover lived, those that froze in place, were shot and killed.  Those who jumped didn’t “choose” to jump...it was instinct, as it was for those who froze.  Apparently one of the gunmen was so worked up he didn’t recognize himself in a mirror and was convinced there was another armed man in front of him.  He shot the mirror.

Did you know that half of trauma victims report a loud ringing in their ears during the trauma, or a sensation like a pillow was put over their ears?  That’s because when adrenaline courses through your body, your heart rate speeds up.  When in fight or flight mode, the heart can beat so strongly it literally deafens you to anything else.  All you hear is the wooshing of your blood.

These are all natural physiological responses that humans have to traumatic situations...responses that we have no control over.  People have urinated themselves when afraid...do we think they chose to do that?!  Of course not!  That is simply how some people’s bodies respond.

During the attacks on 9/11, many people were able to make it out of the buildings, and many weren’t.  Those people were thrust into a survival situation, and many of them didn’t respond how they thought they would.  One man knew he had to evacuate and that his life depended on it...but he sat on the floor of his office, huddled, waiting because he was so afraid he couldn’t get up.  Thankfully someone found him and got him to leave with them, but he admitted that he would have sat there until he died.  Needless to say, he was surprised by his own reaction.  If he had died that day...would it have been his fault, or the terrorists?

This girl’s story is tragic, and when I was 14 this could have happened to me.  I was at a party with my older sister and her friends, and we were all drinking.  I was 14, they were all 16 and older.  I got very drunk and one of the guys brought me into the bedroom to lay down because I was dizzy.  He got on the bed with me and we looked at the glow in the dark star stickers on the ceiling.  He started to touch me and move his hand under my clothing.  I was mortified.  I was very embarrassed and uncomfortable and scared.  I didn’t want to be “rude” and hurt his feelings, but I was a virgin and was not interested in sex.  I didn’t know how to use my voice...I just didn’t.  I could not find the strength to say “no” or “stop”.  So I started to laugh.  I made it seem like his hand was tickling me and I turned into a big joke and got off the bed.  I was not able to address what was actually happening.  I recognize that I was lucky that night; there are many guys who would have pushed me further.

For girls and women, the idea of being raped is terrifying.  It’s something we are taught to fear and anticipate.  When a situation arises where we feel afraid, our reactions can vary.  When this young girl said she “wasn’t sure” that was her trying to say “no”, in the best way she knew how.  When the guy dismissed her comments and continued to take her clothes off, he was crossing a boundary.  How many times does the girl need to say she’s “not sure”?  How many times does she need to say “no”?  When that guy continued to take her clothes off, how terrified do we think she was?  At this point, does she speak up louder?  Smack him?  Does she bite him?  There is a frightening moment for a girl when she realizes that the guy is not going to stop.  Does she “choose” her reaction?  Or does her body choose the reaction?  Whether or not her survival instinct is to fight, or submit...the guy is still (and always) responsible for his actions. 

For those that say she is also responsible for her actions...reread this entire entry.

Until you are faced with a traumatic or terrifying situation, you don’t know how you will respond.  And for all men and women who have never experienced rape or sexual assault...it is traumatic, and it is terrifying.  And not everyone will respond the same way, and not everyone will respond the way they think they will.

There is an excellent book called The Unthinkable by Amanda Ripley.  It is about different human responses to different disasters and traumas, and the science / biology behind it all.

My heart goes out to this young lady.  Rape is traumatic enough, and secondary wounding will only make it harder for her to heal.  In our current rape culture, we need to fight for our sisters who are being blamed for their assaults, and for their survival measures.

Enough is enough.

Women, Sex and "Domination Myth"

I had to write this entry in response to an article I read, that was written – sadly – by a woman.  Now this woman, Katie Roiphe, has been very vocal about her theory of the date rape “myth”, so it’s hard to take much of what she says seriously.

But, her latest article is garnering a lot of attention, and appropriately, outrage.  Her claim is that feminists are sick of having so much power in the world, in the workforce, that they are just “crying out” to be dominated in the bedroom.

Without any research whatsoever, Ms. Roiphe claims that women, now more than ever, are fantasizing about being dominated, degraded and even hurt in the bedroom.  Her comments are uneducated, unfounded, and down right dangerous!

The truth of the matter is that with our growing pornified culture, and the extreme violence in mainstream porn, people are in fact, altering the neurotransmitters in their brain.  From childhood, we all carry certain images, sounds, smells, touches that register in our brain as “arousing”.  When we get older new images, sounds, smells and touches get added to our “arousal template”.  This is natural human sexuality.

But...when something dangerous or unhealthy is added into the mix...our brain doesn’t reject it.   For example...a young woman is raped at age 19.  She was forcibly raped, was hit and choked.  During the rape, she had an orgasm.  This is nature, not her choice.  Her body responded to stimuli, even against her will.  As months or years pass, she finds her body reacts to rape scenes in movies, she feels aroused but hates herself for it.  She doesn’t understand, and she is ashamed. 

This example is to show that arousal is not a conscious choice.  It’s your body’s natural reaction to a stimulus.  

There are millions of women who are being introduced to sexual violence by their partners.  There are millions of people who can no longer function sexually, without said violence.  With the rising amount of violence in mainstream porn, and with the increasing acceptance of pornography – more and more people are damaging their arousal templates. 

Kathy was in her early 20’s when she began dating Mike.  She was sexually inexperienced, he was not.  Slowly, he broke her down over the years and their sex life became extremely violent.  It started out with him asking if he could spank her, she would say no at first, but he would keep asking, so she gave in.  From there, he wanted to tie her up, blind fold her, whip her, choke her, smack her, rape her, sodomize her.  He would force orgasms from her, call her whore, and bitch.  Kathy had learned to ‘disassociate’ during sex...and because she sometimes had orgasms, she didn’t understand why she felt violated, and ashamed.  Doesn’t an orgasm mean you like it?!

Kathy got out of the relationship, and struggled to understand the sex life she had with Mike.  Once she was out, it was easier to see and accept the abuse she had suffered.  She didn’t “want” to be dominated in the bedroom.  It happened so slowly, and manipulatively, and she was never able to acknowledge it...until it was all over.  There are millions of women like Kathy.

Before making such dangerous, blanketed statements that women want to be dominated in the bedroom, Ms. Roiphe should have done some research.

Not For Sale

This is not something that is often discussed. As a society, we tend to prefer the dark and dirty things to remain a secret; to remain someone else’s problem. But, whether or not we acknowledge it, these things are our problem. These “dark and dirty” things are a part of our world, whether or not you even know it.

I am talking about prostitution. If you think it’s limited to the mean streets of downtown, or some out-of-the-way “red-light” district...you are sorely wrong. Prostitution is the “massage parlour” nestled into the strip-mall, down the street from you. It’s the brothel that runs out of the apartment two floors above you. It’s on Craigslist, on Toronto tourism websites, in magazines and local newspapers. It literally is everywhere. Just because someone doesn’t see it, doesn’t mean it’s not there.

This is slavery, and Canada NEEDS to adopt the Nordic Model of prostitution.  We need to address this.

It is apparently a common perception among men that these women love their “job”. But that’s the fantasy right? Believing that these women desire them, and want to please them. Fantasy is not reality. I stand very firm in my belief that no healthy, well-adjusted woman would ever enter the sex industry on any level.

Take away the girls who ran away from home and started “turning tricks” for cash, take away the girls who were found by pimps and now belong to them, take away the “street-walkers” who are so addicted to something they will offer themselves cheaply. Take away the severely misguided youth who think a “rub and tug” is a quick way to earn cash because they don’t believe they can do anything else. Take away the millions of local girls who are trafficked.  Then, take away those girls and young women who are brought here on boats and sold to pimps here in Toronto, or there in Calgary, or over there in Vancouver. Take them away, and then show me who’s left...those healthy, well-adjusted women who love being a prostitute.

Go ahead, show me. 

We all think this kind of stuff is safely hidden away from us. We tend to think we aren’t – or can’t be – impacted by prostitution. 20% of Canadian men, have admitted to paying for sex. Out of that 20%, how many do you think had other sexual partners? Or a spouse? If you think you are in a faithful, committed relationship...do you use a condom? A friend of mine who has been married for 30 years, contracted a sexually transmitted disease from her husband...who had been going to prostitutes for years – unbeknownst to her, obviously.

There are so many reasons this issue should be dealt with, instead of being swept aside. I hate that such acceptance of prostitution is so wide-spread, and that it is teaching our youth – both male and female, that a woman’s body can be rented by the hour. Years ago, when I worked in downtown Toronto, I was driving home one day and pulled my car up to a red light. I had my windows down and was minding my own business. A man walked right up to my car, looked in my window, then asked me “how much?” This is the mentality that needs to end. How much? As though every woman has her price?

I should have run him down with my car...I’m not for sale.

Death to "Tramp Stamp"

I was channel surfing today, and stopped at an episode of TMZ.  Some young lady in her early twenties was showing a picture of Jessica Alba and saying what a horrible mother she was.  I had to turn up the volume, to hear what made her so horrible.  Did she leave her baby in the car for an hour?  No.  Did she give her baby a cup of coffee?  No.  Ms. Alba had a tattoo!!  OH MY GOD!!  BUT – not just a tattoo.  She had a tattoo...on her lower back.

This young employee of TMZ proceeded to go on about how Jessica Alba had a “tramp stamp” and that no mother should ever have a “tramp stamp”.  She said it was sad for anyone over the age of thirty to have a “tramp stamp”.

Now, I have to address this for a few reasons.  Number one being the language we use.  Tramp Stamp.  That label right there: Tramp Stamp is one of the most disgusting terms I have heard to describe a woman.  I am sick of this language we use that completely objectifies and dismisses a woman in one foul swoop!  Women are not cattle.  Women are not stamped, or branded.  As a feminist, I will speak up to anyone who uses that term in my presence!

Number Two: tattoos last forever!  There are thousands of women out there with lower back tattoos that got them years – hell, decades ago – before this disgusting term was ever created!  Now – these perfectly respectful women are branded by society as having “tramp stamps”.  There are grandmothers out there with tattoos, and to call a woman a whore simply because they have body art is outright sexist.  No one over thirty should have a back tattoo??  And what happens at thirty?  All those tattoos they got years before shed off in a layer of skin?!  Damn – I wish people needed some kind of intelligence to be heard on television!

My goal with this post is to convince every reader to STOP using the term “tramp stamp” – and to speak up when others use it as well!  If you find it offensive, like I do, say so!  The language we use is very important in the world.  Little comments can make a huge impact.  Here are some phrases we commonly hear, but often don’t really notice their meaning: “Tramp stamp”, “wife beater”, “throws like a girl”.  Little comments carry meaning, and we need to be aware of what messages we send when communicating.

The Truth Behind The Lies

Here is my explanation of why the sex industry – on all levels – is fundamentally rooted in misogynistic sexual exploitation.  This is my Feminist perspective, which many will simply write off as “extreme” or “militant” or “paranoid”, but hopefully which most of you will consider!

Since early civilization women have been living under the thumb of men.  Many women experienced sexual violence as children – at the hands of men, or they experienced emotional abuse or abandonment from their fathers.  Throughout history, women have been viewed as less than men.  They have been considered as property.  Prostitution began, because women discovered they could prevent violence and attacks, if they made “arrangements” with the men.  So began an industry that was technically rape through blackmail.

The demand was there, has always been there.  The demand by men for the flesh of women.  So women, who throughout history have been told they hold no value – are told their only value comes by renting themselves out for an hour.  We have little girls, damaged by men – who grow into women, damaged by men.  And we have men preying on them and using that damage to their benefit.

Now, we have men fighting for a woman’s “right” to be in the sex industry – an industry created by men.  Interesting how these men fight for a woman’s “right” to be a prostitute or in porn, but where were these men when she needed someone to fight for her right to not be abused or exploited?  Don’t be fooled about the mythology of “rights”.

The sex industry was created by depraved and damaged individuals who prey on other damaged individuals.  How do people not see this fucked up cycle?! 

On the most general and grandest scale – men are severely damaging the women of this world, then exploiting those women simply because they are damaged, then saying those women chose to be exploited. 

Where is the freedom in this?  Where is the choice?  It’s like a systemic conspiracy to keep women enslaved to the sexual needs of men.

Feminism

I believe feminism to be more than simply women’s equality to men.  I believe that feminism requires a recognition of two unique sexes, both of equal importance and value.  Women are different than men.  Biologically and chemically, we are different.  We see things from a different perspective, and have different values and priorities.  Feminism is about knowing this, accepting this...and valuing that difference equally.

As a feminist, I don’t want to be like a man!  I want my female self to be recognized, accepted and valued as much as a man’s.

As a feminist, I believe women need better representation in all powerful and influential organizations.  The female perspective needs to be seen and heard in government, in the media, in society, in our schools and in our homes. 

I believe we need to start listening to women, instead of dismissing them as “overly emotional”, “naive” or “prudes”.  We need to start hearing their opinions, and their values if we expect to see any improvements in our world. 

In our homes, our communities, our countries – women have been existing in a male dominated world, with male dominated ideals and beliefs.  I believe it’s time for the world to accept and respect the other half of our species.  We are equally important, and equally valuable. 

We are deserving of a world free from misogyny.